Mike’s story: life after loss and the courage to change
Mike’s experience mirrors that of many men coping with loss, hardship, and illness and shows that the right support can make recovery possible.
Gentle, fascinating and cheery, Mike is a comforting character. Over the last number of years, things changed. He got in touch with Change Mental Health to get his life back on track following health scares, dependencies and bereavement.
Mike was struggling to process all that had happened to him in the previous years: losing his wife, going through a cancer journey and addiction to alcohol. Before that, he was happy – he had many joyful hobbies and a good life.
Then Mike had to adjust to a completely different life. “The catalyst for my mood was when my wife passed away just over six years ago. When she died, that was it. I was totally bereft. I couldn’t do anything.”
His wife had been a source of stability. Between them, their son is autistic and it all formed a close bond. Following her passing, what was once a complementing caring role became difficult when he knew he had to do it alone.
While grieving, his auntie – the last of his father’s family – also passed away. “It felt like the end,” he said. “I’m interest in genealogy and family tree stuff, but my son isn’t. I had all this family gone.”
finding support amid loss and illness
Around this time at the end of 2019, depression crept in. Mike stopped doing the things he enjoyed most and barely left the house. He was prescribed with antidepressants at the GP and referred to bereavement counselling, but a long waiting list made him disengage.
The only thing that would get Mike outdoors was the gym. “I was loving it, feeling great,” he said, “But I was drinking a lot a home, every day.” Then Covid arrived. Mike saw it as a relief. He no longer had to make excuses for not going out when everyone was stuck at home.
When restrictions eased, the gym reopened but his drinking continued. Soon after, he was diagnosed with bowel cancer and underwent successful surgery. His brother-in-law – diagnosed with the same tumour – died after his operation. “I felt guilty because I survived. It wasn’t fair.”
Mike was offered counselling and different support options, from Maggie’s to Andy’s Man Club, but “didn’t want to be listening to other people’s bad stories.” It was sudden contact from his son from his first marriage that gave him unexpected motivation.
“I hadn’t seen him since the early ‘80s,” he said. “I thought he wanted to have a go at me but he wanted a relationship. I couldn’t believe it.” This led to Mike travelling to Wales to meet his son and family. “He said to me it was the happiest he’d ever been. I’d got through cancer, I’d met my son again, but why wasn’t I happy?”
Mike pondered that question, with his low mood not shifting amid a significant life change. He ended up going to a Maggie’s centre, eventually attending the men’s group regularly. “When talking with staff, it was like a weight lifted,” he said. “No matter how poorly someone, you always left feeling better. It was 100% positive.”
In early 2023, new health problems appeared. Breathlessness led to a diagnosis of heart failure caused by fluid on his lungs. With the right medication, he recovered quickly and his health improved but loneliness and drinking persisted.
“I was still drinking a lot. Every morning I’d say, ‘Right, no drink today’, and by noon I’d be twiddling my thumbs and open a bottle. I felt like I was failing every day.”
finding Change Mental Health and the Resilience service
During a veterans’ breakfast club, Mike found out about free podiatry at the Knights Temple of Goodwill. From there, he learned about Change Mental Health’s Resilience service in Fife.
Resilience supports people to improve their mental health and wellbeing through early intervention and prevention. It looks to rebuild confidence and stability through one-to-one, peer and practical support. Through helping individuals identify goals and building structure, people can manage day-to-day life with great confidence. Resilience is open to self-referrals or you can refer someone into the service.
Mike’s first meeting with Barry, a Resilience Outreach Worker at Change Mental Health, was a pleasant surprise.
“Barry is great, he just puts you at ease. While I didn’t want to do a men’s group thing, this worked. I wasn’t sitting there thinking, ‘What are you going to do for me?’ I wanted the help. I was willing to be helped.
“But it also wasn’t him telling me what to do. He encouraged me not to dwell on things I can’t control and concentrate on the positives.”
Mike
Barry focused on simple and consistent practical steps, working with Mike to identify bad habits and replace them with better ones while setting realistic goals.
Motivated by the support, Mike decided to tackle his drinking.
“One day, I just decided to stop. From that moment, I’ve never had a drink. I don’t want one. I feel great. I think it’s helped my heart and my mental health. If I’d carried on another year, I don’t know where I’d be.”
He began going to the gym again, filling the time in the day that he’s usually open a bottle and start drinking. That structure became a part of his recovery.
Barry recalled how Mike’s anxiety often made him put off simple tasks like going to the dentist. Mike would wake up at three in the morning worrying. Barry gave Mike some simple coping strategies, such as phoning up to break the ice first to understand what is needed.
“The next time I work up fretting about the dentist, I wrote a letter to the practice manager explaining why I was scared. They called me back and arranged to see me. Just writing a letter lifted a year of stress.”
Barry’s support focused on merely reframing, not big changes. Together, they found ways to ease Mike’s stress and overthinking, helping him to sleep better and worry less.
living well after support: confidence, meaning and men’s mental health
With time and support, Mike has started to accept that his wife is no longer there. As he continues to visit his son in Wales and the relationship improves, Mike knows he will struggle some days but is trying not to dwell on things. If anything, support made him put things into perspective.
“It made me realise it wasn’t about doing things that mattered but about sharing the experience with someone who cared. I used to go hill-walking attended football games with friends, come home and tell my wife Margaret about it. That was half the joy – sharing it. I’ve started going now and then. I’m taking a bit of my old life back.”
Mike continues to reignite more of his hobbies and passions. He’s channelling energy into genealogy again, while photographing headstones for website, Find a Grave. “It keeps me going,” he said. “People message me with gratitude, as they’ve found their family because of my photos. That makes me feel useful and keeps my brain going.”
His life is getting steadier and he feels like he’s stronger again, not worrying about every ache and pain.
Barry says that Mike has come a long way and remained cheerful and determined throughout.
“It has been a real privilege to see him make those changes. He did the work himself. I just helped him see what was already there.”
When asked what advice he’d give others, Mike said: “Talk to people. Don’t keep it in. My friends weren’t great when my wife died. They backed off. Same when I had cancer. People don’t know what to say. But you’ve got to do something. You can’t just sit and wait.
“Barry helped me see that talking helps. Thinking different helps too. I’m not where I was a year ago. I’m better. And that’s something.”
support
Our National Advice and Support Service can help you and people you care for with mental health concerns and money worries.
We can link and signpost you to relevant local and national support, including our own Change Mental Health services, as well supporting with debt, grants and benefits.
The service is open Monday to Friday, 10am to 4pm (closed for lunch between 12.30pm to 1.30pm). Contact 0808 8010 515, email advice@changemh.org or fill in the form on the service webpage.
For full details about the service, visit the National Advice and Support Service webpage.
